In 2023, I thought a lot about being a rockstar

Published on 12 December 2023

I started playing guitar when I was a little boy. Our family always had one propped up in the corner of the living room and although she never played it for me, I would occasionally hear my mum strum away gently from another room.

Over the years I thumbed through the “Learn to play classic folk songs” and “Guitar for beginners” kind of textbooks. I tried, but the yellow faded pages never really spoke to me. I am not a good student, school didn’t excite me and I have almost zero enthusiasm for being “taught”. Greensleeves wasn’t it. I wanted Pearl Jam, Black Sabbath, Slayer.

But when Christmas rolled around and Santa Claus left me a sunburst Squire Stratocaster and practice amp under the tree, everything changed. I was hooked.

I have older brothers and sisters and so my music taste was filtered through their ears. And this was the 90s. Grunge at its peak. Britpop. Stadium rock. The golden age of thrash metal. The birth of nu metal.

So naturally I started to learn my favourite songs and as my own taste grew, so did my repertoire. So did my desire to be the people I listened to. I wanted nothing more than to be front and centre on stage, long hair, rocking out, noise pumping from amplifiers behind me, the crowd swaying and headbanging and begging for more. Directing them with distorted bar chords and clumsy lyrics about love.

Those that knew me growing up will appreciate how ridiculous that sounds. 

I have always been a shy, anxious and quiet boy. I’d rather sit and listen. Never speak up. I enjoy my own company. I hate being the centre of attention. 

That is unless I’m on stage. 

Unless I’m performing.

Then nothing can stop me.

I learned the classics. Smoke on the water. My Generation. Smells like Teen Spirit. Paranoid. I even played Stairway to Heaven for my GCSE in music.

“No Stairway! Denied!”

As soon as I met someone willing to play another instrument, it was go time. We started a band.

I started a lot of bands: 

• Bastard Sun, the thrash metal project. 

• Kerpunk, the pop punk project. 

• The Skyscrapers and the Trees, the post-rock project.

• Towers, the mathrock two piece.

• Cedar Tree, the emo punk project.

Cedar Tree was my favourite thing in the world. It was my identity. We played shows. We played a festival. We got asked to tour. We were featured on blogs. We had fans in Japan! But not many at home. We were reviewed in the local newspaper: “they play with passion, but not panache”. Not that I’m bitter.

But the music world was scary. Some of the bands we played with trashed greenrooms or left toilets scattered with used needles. Some of the friends I made in those years ruined their lives with drugs, alcohol, violence. 

This wasn’t the dream. 

Eventually Cedar Tree went our separate ways and I didn’t make meaningful music again…

Until 2023. Fifteen or so years after I was last in a room with other musicians. After probably a decade of joking about starting a band, me and my good friend Martin finally did it (thanks to a kickstarter reward for a day in a studio). 

I’d spent the pandemic listening to obscure niche stoner doom metal. Songs about smoking weed, witches, stone circles and old horror films. Anything to escape what was going on outside. 

So what better project to start.

We booked rehearsal space. Got a few hours in the books and went into the studio.

The result is easily the best music I have ever made. It is silly but I love it.

It isn’t because I am a better musician (I’m worse) or that I have more time (I don’t) but the result is good because I don’t want to be a rockstar. I don’t want that dream.

I’m 35. Martin has two children. We have successful careers. I would love to tour with my favourite bands, but really? I just want to hang out with one of my best friends. I want to make noise. I want to create and share and have fun.

And guess what? People like it. People want more. So there’ll be an album. There’ll be shows and there might even be a tour.

No, I am not a rockstar. Nor do I want to be.

But, I am happy.