As a Buddhist, I have been familiar with the concept of reincarnation for as long as I can remember. Buddhists believe that when someone dies, they’ll be born again as something else. What they are reborn as depends on their actions in their previous life.
I watched when family members and friends died, and their loved ones took solace in a monk revealing where their spirit would go based on how they’d lived, and the astrology of their birth and death. Most of the time – surprise, surprise – their next destination would be back within their family. I never fully believed in it, but on the other hand, I couldn’t completely dismiss it either. After all, it was a comforting thought.
That all changed when my dad died in April 2021.
We were very close and I was not ready to lose him. The end happened quickly, and caring for him towards the end made me realise he was ready to go. He was tired of fighting cancer, whether I liked it or not.
After his funeral, our family monk told us he would come back to a family nearby and he would be a much cherished child. I tried to quiz him a little more, but he just told me that the best thing I could do for my dad was to wish his spirit good luck, and let him go without clinging on or trying to ‘snare’ his spirit back into the family. Wanting one’s spirit for your possession is frankly not very Buddhist. My dad was a good egg so I knew he would be OK.
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As a Buddhist, I have been familiar with the concept of reincarnation for as long as I can remember. Buddhists believe that when someone dies, they’ll be born again as something else. What they are reborn as depends on their actions in their previous life.
I watched when family members and friends died, and their loved ones took solace in a monk revealing where their spirit would go based on how they’d lived, and the astrology of their birth and death. Most of the time – surprise, surprise – their next destination would be back within their family. I never fully believed in it, but on the other hand, I couldn’t completely dismiss it either. After all, it was a comforting thought.
That all changed when my dad died in April 2021.
We were very close and I was not ready to lose him. The end happened quickly, and caring for him towards the end made me realise he was ready to go. He was tired of fighting cancer, whether I liked it or not.
After his funeral, our family monk told us he would come back to a family nearby and he would be a much cherished child. I tried to quiz him a little more, but he just told me that the best thing I could do for my dad was to wish his spirit good luck, and let him go without clinging on or trying to ‘snare’ his spirit back into the family. Wanting one’s spirit for your possession is frankly not very Buddhist. My dad was a good egg so I knew he would be OK.
I never fully believed in it, but on the other hand, I couldn’t completely dismiss it either. After all, it was a comforting thought. But that all changed when my dad died in April 2021.
As part of a ritual that helps with the journey to the next life, my brother placed a symbolic mark on Dad’s body as preparation for his burial. He never revealed which part of my dad’s body he’d placed it on, but soon after I’d given birth to my baby boy in September 2023, my family asked if my son had any birthmarks. He does, yes. On his shoulders. You guessed it: my brother had placed the symbolic mark on my dad’s shoulders too.
It was a revelation I couldn’t ignore.
At first, I felt torn and uncomfortable. Part of me wanted Dad back, of course. But I worried about how my husband, who is a moderate follower of the Church of England, would feel. I wasn’t sure he’d be super comfortable with his child being hijacked by my family’s religious beliefs. Quite surprisingly, he didn’t mind. Nevertheless, I didn’t want the burdens of someone else – even if it was my dad – passed down to my baby. “It’s his life. Only he will decide what he wants to be,” I said.
After I’d given birth to my son, my family asked if he had any birthmarks. He does, yes. On his shoulders. You guessed it: before his burial, my brother had placed a symbolic mark on my dad’s shoulders too.
Since my brother’s revelation, be it the spirits or the genetics, I’ve kept noticing similarities between my son and my dad. The way my baby shoots someone down with a stare when he doesn’t like something, or his excitement when he senses a party coming.
Over time, I have found a way to embrace my son and my dad in one tiny body.
Sometimes when my son is upset, I think of how much my dad went through as a child. He lost his father when he was 11 years old and took on a lot to help his mum. I find myself wanting to reassure dad that he has come back to the right place, and that we can give him a comfortable life. Sometimes, I find myself reasoning: who am I to deny this child what he should have had all those years ago? But this sometimes conflicts with my own parenting principles: for example, sleep training and saying no to sugary foods. I know it is for his own benefit but reinforcing rules tugs at my heartstrings a little intensely. Me and my husband do want to spoil him, yes, but ultimately we want to do what’s best for him.
A friend asked recently if my son would be my favourite if we had another kid. And the honest answer is maybe, because whose spirit might our next child be?
Reincarnation is not something I can talk to my friends about – in fact, it makes me anxious to even mention it. On the few occasions I have done so, there were more questions than I could answer, and questioning my faith just wasn’t helpful. However, leaving religion out of it and simply sharing our parenting dilemmas with friends has been useful. It has helped me see that despite not sharing the same faith, they want the same for their children: to see them grow up to be independent, kind humans who can thrive.
A friend asked recently if my son would be my favourite if we had another kid. And the honest answer is maybe, because whose spirit might our next child be?
This is the first one!
Published tomorrow!