It’s not that I’m dependent on drink or drugs. But there have been moments in my past where I have been – all too many. These days though, I know my demons and I’m better at taming them. That doesn’t stop me being overrun by them from time to time, mind.
There are times in life when their addition to a situation makes things better. A bit of something extra. Two pints by a fireside after a long, wet walk, for example. That second pint will lead to a third, which leads to a fourth, and you know you shouldn’t because it’s Sunday but this is autumn and it’s fucking grim out there but it is so lovely in here.
Or half a pill each for friends travelling 200 miles and reuniting after 2 years. You’ll go arm-in-arm from pub to club to someone’s front room, recounting old times. And there will be, without doubt, hugs a-plenty.
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It’s not that I’m dependent on drink or drugs. But there have been moments in my past where I have been – all too many. These days though, I know my demons and I’m better at taming them. That doesn’t stop me being overrun by them from time to time, mind.
There are times in life when their addition to a situation makes things better. A bit of something extra. Two pints by a fireside after a long, wet walk, for example. That second pint will lead to a third, which leads to a fourth, and you know you shouldn’t because it’s Sunday but this is autumn and it’s fucking grim out there but it is so lovely in here.
Or half a pill each for friends travelling 200 miles and reuniting after 2 years. You’ll go arm-in-arm from pub to club to someone’s front room, recounting old times. And there will be, without doubt, hugs a-plenty.
“What separates moments of moderation from those of annihilation is how well I manage to discipline my impulses. And that discipline is always in flux. Sometimes I’m on top of it, sometimes for many months. Other times, not so much.”
But it’s not always rose-tinted. Sometimes it starts out as a couple of casual sniffs from a key to put a bad week behind you, but it turns into a fiendish hunt for more at 5am. You get more, blast through that by midday, then it’s time for bed. But now your heart’s racing so sleep is impossible. You’re going to spend the next 8 hours regretting listening to that demon. It has eaten up half your weekend and your Monday’s going to be shit.
For me, what separates moments of moderation from those of annihilation is how well I manage to discipline my impulses. And that discipline is always in flux. Sometimes I’m on top of it, sometimes for many months. Other times, not so much. Keeping the impulses under control helps with making the most of weekends, with getting enough sleep, with staying healthy, and with keeping a job.
These are conditions of my character. They’re aspects of me. They don’t define me, but they’re part of me.
In 2022, I thought a lot about double standards around drink and drugs and th
“Depression, anxiety, and chronic introversion are mental health challenges that many people struggle with. But dependency and addiction are mental health challenges too. Why, when my demons are in control, am I not shown the same level of kindness and understanding?”
Depression, anxiety, and chronic introversion are mental health challenges that many people struggle with. But dependency and addiction are mental health challenges too.
Interestingly, society is starting to acknowledge that former set of challenges, and is starting to accept that sometimes people are in control, and sometimes they are not. Workplaces have started to make adjustments for people so that their brilliance comes through rather than trying to force them to fit an archetype.
We also accept that a person’s background contributes to these aspects. That they may not have had a choice. There are schools of therapy that support people through the bad times, and thousands of places on wellbeing programmes bought by HR departments across the country.
We’ve learnt over recent years to accept our friends’ and colleagues’ depression, anxiety and introversion, and to be kind. So why then, when my demons are in control, am I not shown the same level of kindness and understanding? This is a mental health thing for me. Why are we much less generous with a person’s struggle with drink and drugs?
I started writing this essay for the 2021 collection but had to stop. The truth was too hard to bear.
Talking about this makes me feel vulnerable. Perhaps it’s telling that I’m writing this anonymously. But if this resonates with you in any way, just know you’re not alone.
This is the first one!
Published tomorrow!