We met in October 2010 when the sun shone for 3 weeks. I was on my way to a party and needed something to drink. She was working in the shop I called at and she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. We talked and I decided to go back later to ask her out. I didn't that evening, but I went back the next and did. She said yes. She gave me her number on a slip of receipt paper. We went out later that evening and 3 months later we moved in together.
They say opposites attract.
Me: an introvert, the eldest of 6, self-absorbed and happy in my own company, parents still together.
Her: an extrovert, an only child, selfless and needing to be around others, parents separated when she was 12.
“The pandemic was a contributing factor to the breakdown of our marriage. I was reasonably ok with entertaining myself. In our isolation, she struggled with the lack of interaction with others. There we were – just us – at different ends of a spectrum. Opposites, locked down together for an eternity.”
We very quickly became inseparable. Best friends. We developed our own language. We went to parties and weddings, we had the kind of chemistry where we bounced off each other. We charmed everyone. We were made for each other. Our families told us so.
She talked about how much she wanted to get married. I messed up the proposal but we married in July 2017. It was the perfect day because we were the perfect couple.
The pandemic was a contributing factor to the breakdown of our marriage. I was reasonably ok with entertaining myself. In our isolation, she struggled with the lack of interaction with others. There we were – just us – at different ends of a spectrum. Opposites, locked down together for an eternity.
It came to a head around Christmas. Her, self-isolating between Christmas and new year. Me, testing positive on the way out to a new year’s eve party. On the day of my second negative lateral flow test, we went out together. I was ready to go home. We argued. She said she 'couldn't do this anymore’. She packed her bags and went to her dad's the next day.
Since then, I’ve thought a lot about why our marriage ended and whether opposites really do attract.
The crux of it is that we were so far apart in outlooks and our actions. I’ve thought a lot about whether our marriage was always destined to fail. Maybe it was and maybe I just never saw it until it was too late.
“Often, in the past, I really didn’t like myself. I started therapy. The action of putting myself under the microscope to find imperfections has made me a better person.”
Throughout the marriage, I rigorously examined myself and my actions in an attempt to constantly improve because I often messed up. Alcohol and drugs. Fiery temper. Quick to argue but quick to forgive. One of us took responsibility for everything they considered wrong in their life and went over it in forensic detail. The other buried every problem because it was less painful than facing it head-on.
Often, in the past, I really didn't like myself. I started therapy. The action of putting myself under the microscope to find imperfections has made me a better person. It helped me realise that a violent parent influenced my need to feel in control. I'm completely at peace when everything is in its right place. I never saw it as a problem because who doesn't like living in a tidy home?
Well, someone who feels no need to micromanage everything in life with excruciating precision and someone who, over time, began to feel like I was controlling everything about them too, especially things they didn't 'give a shit about'. Domestic duties mainly. Paying bills, cleaning the house, doing laundry.
I shouldered a lot of the core responsibilities of the relationship over 12 years, too many probably. I thought I was making her life easier. I was making it harder to the point where she was suffocating.
I didn't see too much wrong until it was too late. 97% of the time everything was fine. Mostly, we were happy. Her Instagram said so. I certainly made mistakes in the marriage I'll never repeat, whether I decide to marry again or not.
Could those issues have been fixed by open and frank communication? Definitely.
Would that have happened? Unlikely.
This is the first one!
Thank you for reading! Merry Christmas! 🎄