In 2023, I thought a lot about

After that, the world started boiling all the time. I was boiling like a kettle but I didn’t have an off switch. I chopped all my hair off because I felt like I had a duvet on my head. I stopped sleeping. Or staying asleep, at least. Then I became anxious because I wasn’t sleeping. Other things I noticed were itchy skin, a brain that leaked out of my head any time I had to speak or remember something, and I began to bruise like a banana. I kept thinking that I had Freaky Fridayed myself into an older person’s body.

At some point during this onslaught of symptoms, it dawned on me what was happening.

My periods had stopped by the time I went to my GP. I thought this was a smoking gun and would mean that it was so obvious that I was perimenopausal that they would just chuck a load of HRT at me.

Of course, it wasn’t that straight forward.

While my GP agreed that I was probably in perimenopause and they couldn’t praise HRT enough, my age meant I needed a blood test to check if my hormone levels were high enough.

They weren’t.

Aside from that, I didn’t meet the seemingly arbitrary age condition. The doctor told me that if I was over 45 they wouldn’t have had to check my blood – they’d have just prescribed me HRT automatically.

It is very strange to be told that you’re too young for something at my age. It is also infuriating to be told “no further action is needed” as a result of your blood test despite being a sweaty, bruised, knackered husk of a person.

It is medical gaslighting.

In the 9 months that followed that first blood test, I requested my test results and Googled the shit out of them myself. My periods started again and man, did they come back with a vengeance. And eventually I decided to go private and see another doctor. I’m not exactly a free market fangirl, so my ability to access treatment just because I could afford it didn’t make me feel good about myself.

The private doctor also praised HRT. They also took my blood. This time I passed. In fact I absolutely smashed it – my hormone levels were so bananas that perimenopause was the only explanation. It’s likely that I’ll be in menopause at some point next year.

At the moment, my symptoms change regularly but importantly, I’m no longer looking or feeling like Anger from Inside Out. I’ve been on HRT for about 7 months now and it’s helped a bit. I don’t experience the sweats as much and I feel slightly less anxious purely because I have a diagnosis now. But it is wild how hard I had to fight for the right to feel reasonably like myself.

At a point when people are overwhelmed or confused by what’s happening to their bodies and they’re struggling to project a sense of outward normality, it is too much to expect them to also fight – and crucially to pay – for the medical or psychological help they need.

Perimenopausal and menopausal people are extremely vulnerable when they don’t get the support they need. I know people who have quit their jobs because of their symptoms (anxiety, insomnia and extreme loss of confidence) and their doctors have sent them away with a prescription for antidepressants.

Nobody who experiences menopause should be ignored, gaslit, misdiagnosed, or not taken seriously. The whole experience made me feel invisible. It still does. We need to work harder to make sure society recognises menopause as an inevitable life phase (as it does with puberty). We need to create understanding and empathy that allows people experiencing menopause to move through it as easily as possible, and without shame, embarrassment, or guilt.

For women in the UK, the suicide rate is highest in those aged 45 to 49 years old. This has been linked to menopause. It is literally a matter of life and death.