In 2023, I thought a lot about

my inner child

Published on

December 6, 2023

It’s sad that we stop playing when we grow up. We leave school and get jobs and then work forever. We must be serious and professional to ‘make it’. And the fear of failing sets in like deep mud around your boot.

We forget to play because the stakes are higher now. We have more to lose.

I’m mostly talking about myself, but you might be nodding along.

I wanted to grow up so fast because I hated being a child. But ironically for me, when we don’t get our needs met in childhood, we behave more like children as adults.

I’ve been haunted by trauma and anxiety forever. I explode over the smallest stuff and act in dysfunctional ways about everyday things. My therapist helped me to discover that my behaviour was rooted in unresolved trauma that was showing up through random triggers. So, we decided to do some inner child therapy. Nurturing your inner child means looking back at your childhood to identify unmet needs, triggers and behaviours that might cause problems as an adult.

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We forget to play because the stakes are higher now. We have more to lose.

I’m mostly talking about myself, but you might be nodding along.

I wanted to grow up so fast because I hated being a child. But ironically for me, when we don’t get our needs met in childhood, we behave more like children as adults.

“Doing inner child work is like going through a time warp. Revisiting things from childhood can be brutal. When the session is over, you have to untangle yourself from your childlike feelings, which is like trying to pick out a strawberry lace from the packet.”

Here’s an example.

I had lunchbox anxiety as a kid. I was ashamed and embarrassed by the contents of my lunch, which was usually the cheapest option my parents could find. As an adult, this trauma manifests as getting angry about my empty fridge at lunchtime, or feeling helpless in a supermarket trying to decide what to buy. I dread lunch so much that I buy 3 or 4 meal options and inevitably reach for the cereal bowl instead.

I grew up poor, and my parents were stressed. I became a caregiver early on and worked while I was in school to support the family. I was a child living like an adult: sorting bills, budgeting and cooking. But I'd never learned how to cook properly, so I'd eat cereal a lot to save time and keep costs low. And so this is my feedback loop. Having nothing in the fridge at lunchtime triggers a trauma response, and I grab cereal because it's what I think I deserve.

Doing inner child work is like going through a time warp. Revisiting things from childhood can be brutal. When the session is over, you have to untangle yourself from your childlike feelings, which is like trying to pick out a strawberry lace from the packet.

“Reparenting or becoming a loving parent to yourself is not a simple process. Still, it is possible to improve your adult life by giving your inner child the love and nurture they deserve.”

You can move away, get a new dress, or cut your hair, but you’ll be at the mercy of your childhood feelings if you keep running from them.

And now, instead of reaching for the cereal bowl at lunchtime, I cook myself something nice. I explore my childlike freedom through food.

You can hate your childhood like I did but make sure you don’t hate your childlike self in adulthood. Hold space for the child who endured the bad experience and realise that what happened to you was not a dream. Your feelings are validated.

I now have forgiveness and compassion for my many problems and mistakes. I embrace my inner child and her feelings, annoyances and dysfunction. Reparenting or becoming a loving parent to yourself is not a simple process. Still, it is possible to improve your adult life by giving your inner child the love and nurture they deserve. But remember: it is safe to be silly, messy and playful, too.